Self-Silence is Not Golden

TMC Digging A Deeper Well

According to a recent poll, 61% of Americans admit to “self-silencing” — keeping their true opinions on sensitive topics to themselves.

When asked if “a college degree is not worth it,” 29% of Americans publicly agree it’s not.  In private, however, only 3% agree.

“We live in a mostly fair society.”  Publicly, 37% agree.  Privately, that number falls to 7%.

“Because things have gotten so far off track, Americans may have to resort to violence in order to save our country.”  In public, 20% agree.  In private, only 4%.

What’s most interesting here is that the self-silenced opinions are all over the political map. Across divides, nearly two-thirds of Americans are uncomfortable with telling people what they really think — and widespread social distrust and polarization are a direct result.

Commenting on the data, the polling firm’s leader made exactly this point:

The best predictor of private behavior is private opinion.  People’s actual views are far more likely than their stated views to drive consumer and social behavior — and voting.  “When we’re misreading what we all think, it actually causes false polarization,” said Todd Rose, co-founder and president of Populace, the Massachusetts-based firm that undertook the study.  “It actually destroys social trust. And it tends to historically make social progress all but impossible.” 

People are often more moderate than they’ll readily admit when “being pulled

toward a vocal fringe,” whether left or right, Rose said.

What does this mean for your church board as you seek to lead your faith community?

Well, for one thing, it’s hard to lead a congregation when people are saving their “real views” for an after-meeting parking lot conversation.  As in our national dialogue, so in our church life:  public self-silencing can erode trust and increase factionalism among board colleagues and within the congregation.  If staff and board do not receive honest feedback, leadership quickly becomes the equivalent of driving on black ice at night on a curvy road.  The traction you assume as you steer is not real.

Self-silencing creates a vacuum where misunderstandings and competing perspectives can alter a healthy church system.  Telling the truth out loud may be difficult but using silence to “keep the peace” is almost always wrong.

So how do you tell the truth well?

Emily Dickinson gave us some of the most memorable advice about truth-telling in the following poem.

Tell all the truth but tell it slant — (1263)

By Emily Dickinson

Tell all the truth but tell it slant —

Success in Circuit lies

Too bright for our infirm Delight

The Truth’s superb surprise

As Lightning to the Children eased

With explanation kind

The Truth must dazzle gradually

Or every man be blind —

Telling the truth — even telling it slant — can be challenging.  It requires sensitivity and “explanation kind.”

And yet it is the life blood of every healthy church.

 


 

Which of “America’s secret opinions” surprises you most?

 

What is the connection between self-silencing and polarization, according to the president of the polling firm?  Can you explain that connection from your own experience?

 

Can you think of a recent moment in your work or family life when you affirmed a belief or  opinion that, at bottom, you did not hold?  What was happening?  Why did you do that in the moment?  What was lost or gained?

 

How about in your church board work?  Have you recently silenced yourself and held back from sharing an opinion?  What was happening?  Why did you do that in the moment?  What was lost or gained?

 

Why do you think the first line of Dickinson’s poem is so well-known?

 

Why does she advise us to tell all the truth but tell it slant?  Why “all the truth”?  And what does it mean to “tell it slant”?

 

What is one practice you could nurture at your next church board meeting to break the habit of self-silencing?

 

What is one thing you could do to practice telling all the truth to one another — but telling it slant, “with explanation kind”?  (And what does explanation have to do with it?)

 

Kindness is listed as one of the “fruits of the Spirit” (Galatians 5:22-23).  How do kindness and truth relate to your faith?

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